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Nanowrimo 2002

Kenny the Imbecile

Steve wasn't planning on doing this again, but on a lark, he decided to anyway. Now there's no pressure since he did it last year, so if he doesn't finish this year, who cares? Steve also plans to create a soundtrack to this barfo-licious novel of his. See, you can listen to the songs while you read! Chapters will be added as they are written. As you can tell, this is turning out to be really, really bad. Another song should be up on the weekend.

Warning: contains foul language and racist characters.

Kenny the Imbecile's Theme Song (2.75 megs mp3) - Steve stole the guitar line that he used for the Strange Angels demo. Guitar used: Jay Turser JT34.

Down On Me (3.3 megs mp3)

Chapter 1

I'm not stupid. Everybody always says I'm stupid, but I'm not stupid. I might not be the smartest guy in the world, but I'm not a retard. That asshole Bill is always calling me a retard. One of these days I'm going to kick his ass. He's going to come out the front door, and I'm going to be waiting for him. He'll pick up his paper or something, and when he gets back up I'm going to punch him in his fat ugly face, and he'll go, "Ouch, who's that beating the shit out of me?" And I'll go, "Fuck you, you asshole!" and then I'll kick him in the nuts, and when he's on the ground holding his nuts and crying like a big fat baby, I'm going to fart in his face.

I got some bad news yesterday. Mrs. Wilson came by and told me they don't have no more money and they're going to close the house and we all have to leave. She said they're going to try and find another place, but I don't want to leave. I told her I don't want to leave. I like my room. I like my bed and my desk and my tv. I also got a really nice view-I can see the whole park. But she said she was sorry anyway and that we have to leave at the end of the month.

I like this place. It's much better than the other place I lived in. It was dirty. This place is nice and clean. They have people come in and clean everyday. If I find out who's the asshole who is kicking us out, I'm going to kick his ass.

Then Mrs. Wilson left and I started feeling really sad. Then I got hungry, so I went to McDonald's to get some breakfast. I ordered my usual Big Breakfast. I like it because you get a whole lot for the money. You get pancakes, sausage, scrambled eggs, hash brown, and orange juice. But when I went to sit down and eat, I noticed that they forgot to give me my hash brown. So I went back to the cashier and I says to her, "Hey you dumb bitch, you forgot my hash brown." And then she got all mad and started cursing me in Spanish. So I go, "Give me my hash brown!" Then the manager comes out and goes, "What's going on here?" And I tell him, "She forgot my fucking hash brown." And then they're talking all in Spanish and I don't know what the fuck they're saying, and then the manager, he packs all my food in a bag and tells me to leave. And I go, "I ain't leaving until I get my hash brown. So he throws in a hash brown in my bag, all mad and everything, so I leave. I don't know why he got all mad and everything, it was the dumb bitch cashier's fault. I didn't do anything. She's the one who forgot to give me my hash brown. One of these days I'm going to kick her ass.

I walked back to my room and ate there. I was mad, but when I started eating I felt better. I wasn't so mad any more. Eating always makes me feel better. Mrs. Wilson is always trying to get me to eat better. She's always telling me to eat vegetables, but I don't like vegetables. Vegetables make my farts stink real bad. I keep telling Mrs. Wilson, "I can't eat vegetables on account of my farts stinking real bad!"

Today I have the day off from work. I work in at the Beltsville Hardware warehouse four days a week. My boss is Mr. Brown. He's pretty good. My job is to re-stack the shelves with supplies whenever he gets a new shipment. I once went through thirty-three boxes. I don't think anyone every beat that, especially that asshole Bill. He's so lazy. He's always goofing off. I don't understand why Mr. Brown doesn't fire him. I don't think Bill could ever come close to thirty-three boxes. I'm the best. No one even comes close. All day long I see people just goofing off and laughing, but I'm always working hard. Mr. Brown even told me so, he says to me, "Kenny, you're the best worker I have!" He said that to me in front of everyone, too.

On my days off, I like to take the bus to the mall. I like to walk around the stores and look at all the new electronic stuff. Right now, I'm saving up my money for a DVD player. My favorite store is Hollywood Video. I like to look at all the new DVDs. Once I get my DVD player, I'm going to start buying all my favorite movies and watch them in my room.

Today, Kim wasn't at the store. I asked them how come. They says to me, "Kim is sick today." Too bad, Kim's my girl. She's always nice to me, and she's really pretty and smart. I sure would like to get in her pants, but I can't do nothing about it. I know she likes me though. I can tell by the way she looks at me and talks to me. Once, she was showing me the new Indiana Jones DVD set, and she leaned over me to reach the shelf, and her tits were touching my arm! She must have held it there for a whole fifteen seconds. That's how come I know she likes me, but won't say anything on account of her having a boyfriend. I got such a hard on, I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom in the mall to jerk off.

I jerk off a lot in my room thinking about Kim. She's so pretty and she's got a really hot body. One of these days I'm going to ask her out. I don't think her boyfriend treats her good. If I was her boyfriend, I'd take her out to the movies and to dinner all the time. I'd take care of her. I don't like her boyfriend. He's some dumb shit football player. I bet he's fucking other girls. I know how football players are. They don't appreciate a fine woman like Kim. I bet he's fucking all these other girls and cheating on Kim. I'd never cheat on Kim.

I didn't stay long at the store on account of Kim not being there. I went over to Pretzel King and got me a pretzel. They have great soft pretzels there. I like to put mustard on it. A lot of people says to me, "Kenny, why you putting mustard on a pretzel?" And I says to them, "It's real good, you should try it!" And they says, "No kidding?" And I go, "Yeah!" So they try it and they says, "Kenny, you're right, this shit is good!" I'm always telling people about that shit. I know a lot of good shit.

Next I went over to Sears and looked at their refrigerators. I'm saving up for one of those too. One of those little small ones I could put right in my room. I hate using the one in the kitchen. Everybody's always stealing my stuff. Once I bought a big jar of mayonnaise, and a couple of days later, I went down to the kitchen to make a sandwich, and all my mayonnaise was gone! There was hardly nothing in the jar. I couldn't even scrape up enough for a sandwich. They're all a bunch of leeches at the house. That's why I want to buy a refrigerator. This way, I can put my baloney in there, my mayonnaise, my tomatoes, everything! And whenever I want to make a sandwich, I know I won't be out of anything on account of it's in my room and I keep it locked.

And maybe I could even sell sandwiches too. I can start my own sandwich business. And I bet I'd have customers lining up my door, because everyone knows I make the best sandwiches. I know Mr. Jacobs would be a customer, he's always hungry. And fat Mrs. Lawry, too. I'm going to have to think about it. I got a lot of plans. That's how come I'm not so worried about having to leave the house. I may not have a lot of book smarts, but I got something better-I got street smarts. I'll miss my room though. It's a good room.

Chapter 2

I like Sundays because I get to watch the Redskins on tv. The Redskins are my favorite team. But lately they stink. It's all the fault of that midget Jew owner they have now. He doesn't know shit about football. He thinks just because he's a rich Jew, he deserves to buy a football team, and now he's ruining it. Every time I see him on the tv, I want to kick his ass. What kind of idiot wears a suit to a football game? I bet his wife is sad because she married a midget Jew. He bet every time he sticks his midget Jew dick in her, she's thinking, "Why can't a get a real dick in me like Kenny's?" Ha ha. You know it.

Mrs. Wilson is always telling me I should be talking about the Jews like that, but I know I'm right. It was a Jew lawyer who took me away from my family when I was young, and that's how I got started living in all these different homes. I bet it's a Jew who's kicking us out of this house, too. If I ever find out who it is, I'm going to kick his ass real good.

I like to watch the Redskins on the big tv in the lobby. That's the only time I go there to watch tv, because normally I can't stand being around all those other people. They never shut up and I can't hear. And they smell like shit. I think they all shit in their pants. So I go in the lobby to watch the Redskins. Once the tv was broken, and I had to watch the Redskins on my little tv in my room. It wasn't bad, but I like watching them on the big tv.

When I went down there, Mrs. Kenealy was watching some dumb movie, so I changed the channel. "I was watching the movie!" she says to me. And I go, "I don't care, it's Sunday, and Sundays is for watching football!" She started huffing and puffing, but what could she do? Everybody knows Sundays is for watching football! Sometimes someone will make a real big stink, and they'll go get Mr. Fisher who sits out in the front and watches the door, but he doesn't care because he wants to watch the game too.

Watching the football games uses to be really fun when Mr. Randall was here. He took care of us before Mrs. Wilson took over for him. I miss him. He used to really get into the games, and he got everybody to come down to watch, and everybody would be yelling and cheering. The best time was when we beat Buffalo in the Super Bowl. Mr. Randall bought pizza and soda for everybody! I didn't even mind it so much being surrounded by all the smelly people. Those were good times. I'm going to miss this place if we have to leave. Maybe Mrs. Wilson can fix it so we can stay. We'll probably lose today because we're not too good this year on account of that stupid midget Jew owner. I have to work tomorrow. Losing always makes work the next day suck.

Chapter 3

Mr. Randall got me the job at the Beltsville Hardware warehouse when I first came to live here. I like working there. In the summer it gets really, really hot, and in the winter it gets really, really cold, but I don't mind so much. A lot of people complain, but I just do my job. That's why Mr. Brown said that I'm his best worker. He said so to everyone.

The only person I don't like there is Bill. He's an asshole. He's always calling me a retard. He started working there a couple of years ago. I wish Mr. Brown would fire him. Today I was standing on the dock waiting for the truck to come, because that's what I do. When the truck comes, I unload the boxes and then I open the boxes and put the stuff on the shelves. I was standing there waiting and Bill, he comes over and says to me, "Hey, why are you standing there?" And I go, "I'm waiting for the truck." And then he says, "The truck is late. You need to go clean the bathroom." I know he was full of shit. He is an asshole. I go, "I don't clean the bathroom, that's not my job!" Then he says to me, "Listen retard, you need clean the bathroom!" Everybody was standing around now and laughing. I says to Bill, "Your gay lover called and left a message. He says he wants you to come home and suck his dick." He got really mad and everybody laughed at him, and then Mr. Brown came in and told everybody to get back to work.

That Bill, he's a real asshole, and I told Mr. Brown that. I says to him, "Mr. Brown, that Bill's an asshole and he'd better stop calling me a retard because I'm not a retard." Mr. Brown, he says he'll talk to Bill, but I'm thinking I'm going to have to do something myself, because I'm the kind of guy, you know, that does things himself.

So while I was working, I was thinking all day, coming up with my plan, and I thought of something that will fix him real good. Everyday he goes to the bank at 3:00, and when he does, I'm going to take his thermos and I'm going to piss in it. That will fix him real good. He won't be laughing and making fun of me and calling me a retard after he drinks my piss!

I was watching him all day while I was working, and when he went to the bank, I went to the break room. When I went in there, Ed was sitting there. And he goes, "Hey, Kenny, how's it going?" And I go, "Pretty good." I didn't know what to do because there was Ed sitting there, so I get a soda from the machine and start drinking it there. When Ed left, I took Bill's thermos and went in the bathroom. I pissed in it real good! Then I went back to the break room and put it back on the shelf. I hope that stupid asshole comes back from the bank real thirsty and takes a big gulp of my piss!

II

After work, I got off the bus and I didn't feel like going home. I just wanted to walk around. I started wondering if I should have pissed in Bill's thermos. He's such an asshole though. He shouldn't call me a retard. I wonder if maybe I should tell Mr. Brown that I accidentally pissed in Bill's thermos? Maybe I can say Bill left it in the bathroom, and I accidentally pissed in it? Like, he left it on the floor, and I saw it when I was taking a piss and went, "Huh? Who's the dumbfuck who left his thermos in the bathroom?" And when I turned around to look at it, the piss got into his thermos, so it was all an accident.

I don't think Mr. Brown would get too mad, maybe he'll even just laugh it off, you know? I'm his favorite worker, everybody knows that. I think that's what I'll do. Tomorrow morning when I go to work, I'm going to tell Mr. Brown I accidentally pissed in Bill's thermos and that I am sorry for the mistake. I think maybe Mr. Brown will fine me or something, but I don't think he'll get too mad.

I was feeling better after I came up with my plan, so I decided to treat myself to McDonalds. I got me the fish sandwich and two apple pies. I wonder what it would be like to work at McDonalds? Do they give you free food? That would be awesome. Then I wouldn't ever have to go to the grocery store ever again. I don't like going to the grocery store. They always follow me around like I'm a thief. All those punk kids whispering behind my back-one of these days I'm going to kick their asses. Once, they kept following me, and they made me nervous, and I accidentally knocked over a bunch of cans. They all laughed. I complained to the manager but that asshole wouldn't do nothing. I told him, I go, "You should fire those assholes!" but he didn't do nothing. That's why it would be nice to work at McDonalds, because I could eat there all the time and I would have to go to the grocery store anymore.

Chapter 4

I was just getting dressed to go to work when Mr. Fisher knocked on my door. I go, "Who is it?" and Mr. Fisher, he says, "Kenny, Mrs. Wilson is here to see you." And I go, "Okay, I'll be down in a minute." I wonder what Mrs. Wilson was doing here? She usually comes in on Wednesdays. Today was Tuesday. Maybe she has good news. Maybe we don't have to leave the house.

I went down to the lobby and Mrs. Wilson was standing there. She looked mad. She says to me, "Kenny, what were you thinking?" I didn't know what she was talking about, so I go, "Huh?" And then she goes, "Kenny, I know you pissed in Bill's thermos." And I go, "No, I didn't." And she goes, "Yes, you did. We saw you taking the thermos into the bathroom on the security camera tape." I kept saying I didn't, and she kept saying I did, and she just got madder and madder. I didn't know what else to say. I know they caught me, but I kept lying anyway. Finally, I go, "It was just an accident. I saw the thermos in the bathroom, and when I turned around to look at it, I was already pissing, so when I turned I pissed in the thermos by accident. It's the truth, I swear it!" She didn't believe me because they saw me take the thermos into the bathroom she said. I forgot about that.

I started getting mad at Mrs. Wilson. What's the big deal anyway? When I get there I bet Mr. Brown will fix everything. I start to leave and I tell Mrs. Wilson, "I don't have time for this, I have to go to work!" And she says, "Kenny, you no longer have a job there!" And I says, "I just need to talk to Mr. Brown and he'll fix it." "No, Kenny! This can't be fixed!" she says. It's all that asshole Bill's fault. He's such a big crybaby. It was just a joke! That asshole can't take a job, and because he's such a big crybaby, I lost my job and I'm going to kick his ass. "That Bill is such a baby!" I says to Mrs. Wilson. "He can't take a joke. It was just a joke!" She just kept lecturing me and pointing her finger at me like I'm some stupid kid in school. I hate when she does that, talking down to me like I'm stupid. After she got all talked out, I went back to my room. I don't care, it was a stupid shitty job anyway. I'm going to fix that Bill real good. He's such a little baby! I don't need that job, I'll get a better one, like at McDonalds, and I'll get free food and everything.

I stayed in my room a little bit, just to calm down, and then I left to go to McDonalds to get a job. I go up to the cashier and says, "I'm looking for a job." And she says something, I don't know what the hell she said. None of those dumb bitches speak English, I can't understand a goddamn word she's saying. I go, "Why don't you fucking speak English?" And then she gets all mad and ignores me. I'm just standing there like I don't exist and she just rings up the customers in the line.

So I get in front of the line and says, "I said 'I'm looking for a job!'" Then some guy came out and says, "What is the problem?" I go, "Who are you?" And he says, "I'm the assistant manager!" And I says, "I'm looking for a job!" And he goes, "We don't have any jobs." And I know he's fucking lying because all the workers there don't speak English, and they need to have somebody who speaks English, and I tell him that. And then they look at each other and start talking in fucking Spanish again and I can't understand what the fuck they're saying, and then they start ignoring me again.

I wasn't about to let those assholes get away with it, so I stood there until they talked to me about a job. I think I must have stood there for a couple of hours. Those stupid Spanish assholes just ignored me. Finally I had to go to the bathroom, and when I went in, I got a plan to fix them. I'll show them for treating me like shit. So I pissed all over the floor and the toilet paper and the sink and everything. Then I walked out and I says to that bitch when I walked by her, "Fuck you, bitch!" and I gave her the finger too. Then I thought, Man, maybe I should have done that after I ordered something because I was really hungry and I wanted to order a big breakfast, but I couldn't go back in again on account of telling that bitch fuck you. So I went home.

I decided to walk home instead of taking the bus. I wasn't in any hurry anyway. I stopped by every store on the way home and they all told me they didn't have no jobs. Fuck Mrs. Wilson. She never was any help to me, not like Mr. Randall. If she really wanted to help she would have talked to Mr. Brown and told them not to fire me. Instead she just lectured me and talked down to me like I was some stupid kid.

I stopped into a 7-11 and got me a hot dog on account of me being so hungry since I didn't get nothing to eat at McDonalds. When I was paying, I saw they had these little dice on the counter. They were air fresheners for cars. I then got me an idea. Why should I stay here? This place sucks! I should go to Las Vegas! I bet I could easily get a job there, and that place got plenty of hot women, not like here. Nothing but dried up old bitches who don't even speak English. I started feeling better because I got a plan. I'm pretty good at that, coming up with plans. Fuck that stupid warehouse job. It don't even pay that good. And fuck Bill-before I leave I should go over there and kick his ass. What a chicken shit crybaby he is. And fuck Mrs. Wilson. She sucks! She can't even keep our house. I was pretty happy now. I started to hurry home, on account of I wanted to pack so I could leave this shithole.

Chapter 5

The three story wood frame house seemed out of place on a busy corridor. Surrounded by prime real estate, it was the target of a takeover for many years. After refusing many offers, the owner finally relented and sold the land to a shopping mall developer who planned on expanding the existing adjacent strip mall. Janice Wilson, the director of the Helping Hands Halfway House couldn't blame him for not renewing their lease. He had been in ill health for the last several years, and he wanted to move out to California to be with his daughter. Still, this left her with an extreme predicament-where would the ten residents, all suffering from various mental illnesses live?

It was impossible to find a new property-every neighborhood suffered from NMBY syndrome: Not In My Backyard. So it looked like she would have to scatter them about in various placement homes, and perhaps even the wards of some mental hospital.

The person she worried about the most was Kenny, the 40 year old who suffered from bouts of mild depression and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was hard to tell what was going on with Kenny. He didn't seem to worried when hearing the news about being relocated, but then there was that bizarre incident at work where he urinated in someone's thermos out of apparent anger. He had been working on a part time basis at the Beltsville Hardware warehouse for ten years, and he's always been a model worker.

Normally Wednesdays are the days that she visited the house, but with the house losing its lease, she was making visits more often. She wanted to reassure the residents, although she had her doubts, too, about how things would turn out. She arrived at the house and saw Mr. Fisher in the lobby. Right away she sensed something was wrong. Mr. Fisher had a look on his face as if he had just broken an expensive vase.

"Mr. Fisher," she said, "You appear to have something on your mind."

Mr. Fisher made some empty motions with his hands and opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Finally, he blurted, "Kenny's gone!"

"What?" said Mrs. Wilson.

"He's gone! I came into the office and saw that someone had been in here. Looks like he got into the petty cash box. I checked everybody's rooms and everyone is here-except for Kenny. He packed up his things, including his little tv. And guess what else he did. He urinated all over his bed. He's gone!"

Mrs. Wilson stood there in disbelief. "Alright, you stay here," she said, "in case he comes back. I'm going to look for him in my car. He's probably not too far away."

"Shouldn't we call the police?" asked Mr. Fisher.

"No," said Mrs. Wilson emphatically. "Let's blow this thing up into something bigger than it is. Besides, I don't want to report Kenny stealing."

Mrs. Wilson got in her car and headed out to the Beltsville Hardware warehouse, keeping an eye out for Kenny along the way. Maybe he decided to say goodbye to Mr. Brown. After all, he worked for him for ten years. She pulled up to the parking lot. Mr. Brown was out on the loading dock. They were unloading a truck.

"Mr. Brown!" she said, getting out of her car.

"Good morning!" replied Mr. Brown.

"Mr. Brown, has Kenny been here today?"

"No, I haven't seen him since-well, since that day," he said. "Why, is something wrong?"

"He's disappeared. Packed and left the house sometime this morning," she said.

"Oh, jeez," he said. "I shouldn't have let him go-it's all my fault!"

"Mr. Brown, don't blame yourself. You're not responsible for this." He just shook is head. "If you see him, please call me!"

"I will," he said.

Mrs. Wilson got back in her car and headed out to the shopping mall. She knew he like to go there and window shop at all the electronic stores, and especially the dvd store. In the back of her mind she kept thinking that Kenny would just come home on his own. He had his moments where he would get angry and do rash things, but he would always calm down and think rationally. Still, she never thought that he would steal.

The shopping mall was sparse with a light crowd in the morning, and she walked around for a good two hours, asking store managers if they had seen a stocky 40 year old man with dirty blond hair walking around with a bag. No one did. Where could he have gone? She decided to go back to the house. He was probably sitting in the lobby, and she was getting worried for nothing, she told herself.

When she got back to the house, she met Mr. Fisher. Seeing the anticipatory look on his face, she knew Kenny wasn't there.

"Mr. Fisher," she said, "I think we should inform the police."

Chapter 6

I was pretty excited, I couldn't go to sleep. I made up my mind. Who needs this stupid house? They took away my job. I don't need to be here. Mrs. Wilson, she's always saying there's good in people, well, I don't see that. All I know is I got myself, and everyone can fuck themselves. I was lying in my bed, thinking, how do I go to Las Vegas? I know the bus goes to the shopping mall. Maybe they have another bus that will take me to Las Vegas. I think that's what I'll do. I got eighty dollars in my sock. I saved that up from my job. I was going to buy a dvd player, but I guess I'll use that to go to Las Vegas instead. I bet I could double that easily in Las Vegas. I wish that asshole Bill could see me now. All the time he calls me a retard. Well, can a retard plan a trip to Las Vegas? He's the retard! I bet he's never been out of the state.

I already packed all my clothes in my bag. And I'm going to take my portable tv. I was ready. I even went to bed with my clothes so would be ready in the morning. I couldn't sleep too much. I was so excited.

At five o'clock I got up. First, I brushed my teeth because I wanted to have fresh breath on my trip. Then I took a shit. I didn't want to be holding it in for my trip. That would be really uncomfortable to hold in your shit for a long trip. I was trying to be real quiet. I didn't want nobody to hear me. Before I took a shit I pissed all over the bed. Screw them! They took away my home and my job so I showed them what they could do with their home! I should have shitted on the bed, too. But then I thought, I wouldn't want Mr. Fisher to have to clean that up.

I was real quiet when I went down the stairs. I was about to open the door when I thought of something. I know they keep money in the office. They owe me. So I decided to take it. They owe me for taking away my job. So I busted open the box. They had about thirty dollars in it. I could use it. They won't miss it. They got somebody who always put more into the box when they get low. So I'm sure they'll just put more in.

It was cold outside. I never got up so early before. I didn't know it got cold like this. I should have taken my jacket, but I already shut the door and I couldn't get back in. So I opened my bag and put on another t-shirt.

I walked to the bus stop and waited. Then a bus comes and I go to the driver, "How do I go to Las Vegas?" And he goes, "Huh?" What a dumbfuck. He's supposed to be a bus driver and he doesn't know how to go to Las Vegas? So I go, "I said, how do I go to Las Vegas?" And he says to me, "We don't go to Las Vegas, but I can take you to the Greyhound bus station." So I go on the bus. I was sleepy. I fell asleep on the bus, and then the bus driver woke me up by shouting at me. He told me the Greyhound station was three blocks down that way. So I got off and started walking. I never been in this part of town before. I started thinking maybe I should go back. A couple of times I stopped and I stood there because I couldn't make up my mind. But something told me to keep going. You know how you get that feeling sometimes? Right in your gut? I'm pretty good at that kind of stuff. I get real good gut feelings. My gut never steers me wrong. So I keep on walking and I come up to the Greyhound station.

I says to the ticket guy, "Can I have a ticket to Las Vegas?" And the guy goes, "That's a hundred bucks!" Jeez, it's a good thing I took that money, otherwise I wouldn't have enough to buy the ticket. So, see, that must be a sign, right? That I was doing the right thing and all. So I bought a ticket and I still had ten dollars left. I could buy like ten chicken sandwiches at McDonalds, so I was pretty happy. It was working out pretty good.

I sat down and watched tv. They had a tv up in the corner. I wonder how they got it up there. The bus didn't leave for another hour. I didn't mind waiting. But I was getting hungry. I wish I saw a McDonalds around. They had a candy machine though. I had sixty cents so I bought a Milky Way. I love Milky Ways. Mr. Fisher once showed me a neat trick. He said you could put them in the freezer and they come out real good. He was right! Except they didn't have a freezer around, so I ate it warm. It was still good though.